Hey parents!
I found this article in my inbox this morning - it's called "Teens Benefit by Spending More Time with Parents" and it talks about a study done on the benefits of spending one-one-one time with your kids.
I had a great relationship with both of my parents in high school - to the point that my friends did too... we easily spent the most time at my house hanging out and my close girlfriends are still in touch with my parents even though I've moved out. I remember hearing about parent-teen relationship issues from some of my friends and it was something really foreign to me.
While there isn't some magic formula to having a great relationship with your teen, the biggest factor in my healthy relationship with my own parents was communication. They made a point of prioritizing family dinners (we actually still all eat around a table at least once a week even though I'm out of the house now - when I lived there we easily ate together at least 4-5 nights of the week). Both of my parents would ask me about my day - what I was learning, how I liked my classes and teachers, how my friends were doing (this is a big one), how my relationships were doing, etc. Knowing that they had my back even when I did stupid stuff showed me that I could go to them about said stupid stuff, but also that I could go to them when things were good, too. When I got into trouble, we would actually talk about why my decisions were stupid and would problem solve together. We very rarely resorted to yelling matches, which can be a pretty common result of teenage angst. My dad also had a ZERO-tolerance for bad attitudes, whether that was general moping at dinner because of something family-related, or giving attitude to ANY member of our family. All too often nowadays, I see little kids being absolute brats in public and I always get chills when I think about what they must be like at home. We live in a world where adults think kids should always be seen and heard, and it really isn't doing kids any favours. Regardless of your discipline methods, allowing attitude and talking back is just poisonous... and can definitely be prevented by investing quality time and open lines of communication well before your kids reach their teens.
I'm no expert on parenting (the closest I've come is putting my 20 lb cat on a diet!) but I do spend a lot of time with teens and hear the other side of parent-teen relationship problems. Here are some easy ways to spend some time with your kid without having them grumble about it:
- Do a chore WITH them... you'll obviously talk and they'll feel better about being "bossed around"
- Ask them to make you a mix CD for your car and then follow up with questions about what music they listen to, other bands they recommend, etc. I remember walking into the kitchen in high school when my mom was listening to one of my punk-rock CDs (oh, how I've changed) and I thought she was just the coolest.
- Read the same book they have to read for school. As a teacher, I know how beneficial it is when parents can actively discuss their child's school work with them... which means you're hanging out and they don't even realize it.
- Show an interest in the latest movie/book fad. This is an easy one because of all the book series out there... I'm currently watching the Harry Potter movies with my mom and she's loving them. It's fun to explain all the movie plot holes to her (they don't exist in the books, of course!). My dad recently read The Hunger Games on my recommendation and then passed them on to my mom. We just had a movie night last week!
- If you're bringing them along when you run errands (ugh!) do something fun after even if it's simple like going to Timmy's.
- Show them how to cook their favourite dinner
- Get used to texting. Seriously... it might not be your thing, but it's how kids communicate. I'm not saying you need to get on the Twitter bandwagon or anything crazy, but if your kid has a phone, chances are you're paying for it... so you may as well get something out of it too. I'm way more likely to answer a text than a phone call. I hate phone calls, and I'm 25.
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